November 19, 2012

Relationship Identity Crisis

I think I'm 'racist'...Against my own ethnicity when it comes to dating. I know, I know so mean, right? Ugh, I suck. If a black guy approaches me or even seems interested it doesn't please me. Of course I'm flattered, but still most likely not interested. If I am interested in someone of my race I'm very picky. On the other hand, if I'm approached by someone of a different race, I am captivated, and totally interested. I don't even care about the physical stuff. Why is my mind like that?! I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I only notice it in hindsight. Before you start judging me, hear me out.

I think the reason why I'm more attracted to other races started back when I was a kid. I couldn't listen to rap so I listened to pop music 24/7. I loved boy bands, teen queens, and catchy bubblegum pop songs about love. My first celebrity crush wasn't Lil' Bow Wow or Lil' Romeo, it was Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter. From then on, I guess I kind of strayed away from being 'urban'. I started listening to rock, country, and alternative music and made friends more easily with other races. In fact, the older I got the harder it was for me to maintain friendships with people of my own race (excluding the out casts). I didn't have the same interests as they did, I didn't watch the same TV shows, or listen to the same music as they did. In school(Pre-K to 12th grade), I only had a few male friends and they were all of a different race, that could be a factor too.

Nowadays, I still feel the same. Maybe I should expand my horizon, but most African American guys my age don't discuss politics, complex societal issues, conspiracy theories or the latest album by Cage the Elephant (an alternative band). I love educated, thought provoking conversations, but I have yet to experience such a thing with a black guy. I feel boring when I discuss the cultural importance of a Red Hot Chilli Peppers song to someone who doesn't even know them.

I'm not racist at all (maybe a little biased I suppose), I just like good deep conversation and talking to someone who gets me. Is that my fault? I'm not being judgmental, because love is love no matter what color, I just feel like sometimes I discriminate and that makes me feel bad. It just so happens that I haven't met a guy of my own race who stimulates my mind and understands me. Who knows, maybe I haven't met the right one yet. Maybe I'm also concerned about being judged myself. You know those people who think it's betraying to date outside of your own race. Ignorant, but there are still people who feel that way. Anyway, after typing all this I feel better and less confused...

November 8, 2012

Low Self Esteem Relapse

I haven't felt this way in a while. I have only felt this way maybe once or twice in the last 11 months, which is awesome considering how I used to feel this way all the time. What is this feeling? The feeling that I'm not good enough. Yeah, I might be cute but I'm not beautiful. Yeah, I'm smart and intellectual but what does that matter? Yeah, I'm a good, loving, caring person but there's someone better.

I'll be honest, the cause of why I'm feeling this way is stupid and dates all the way back to 10th grade. There was a girl who teased me relentlessly. She was pretty, could draw well, loved music, and always had cute hairstyles, nothing about me could compete. I hated her because of what she said about me to others but I especially hated her when she told jokes about me to the cute guy who sat beside me and he laughed at her jokes and started to tease me behind my back with her. I just ignored them, and they probably thought I was deaf and dumb in addition to being fat. I dreaded going to that class, and loathed seeing her anywhere else at school. One day I got the courage to stand up to the cute guy, I felt good about it and he never joked about me with her again, at least not in my face. I was satisfied but weeks later I wanted to confront her, too. Unfortunately, I never got the chance since she moved and went to another school.

Fast forward to present-day. I comment on lots of news forums about various stories. I love voicing my opinion with concise, well thought comments. It's one of my favorite pasttimes. So, earlier today, I log on to my favorite site, ready to comment on today's latest news stories, when I see a familiar face. It was her, on my turf! Her comments received raves and tons of replies, something that took ages for me to achieve. Some stranger even called her beautiful. A part of me died. It's like this girl who cut me deeper than any wound is on my playing field and winning. Maybe she's changed but I wish people knew what she did to me, I wish physical beauty reflected internal beauty. It just made me feel...Defeated.

Just imagine, you and your friends are on a basketball team. Everyone likes you and respects you so much that you're captain of the team. Then your arch enemy comes along and joins the team. Within an hour the all like him and admire him seemingly more than you. Within two hours he's named captain and you're benched for the whole season. Imagine that feeling...That's what I'm feeling right now.

Maybe I'm only as good as my looks (I believe I'm beautiful but society disagrees) and nothing more. No matter how smart or caring I am none of it matters in the end.

I know I should probably let the whole teasing thing go but it's not easy when that's all you know about a person. I only know that she made my life hell. I just don't get why the bad people get all the good things: the beauty, love, money, praise, attention.

I am blessed regardless and I'm praying for the strength to forgive her...And to find my happy place once again. I am beautiful, loved, and worthy of praise according to God and that alone will get me back up the self esteem hill.

October 2, 2012

Males and Drama

"I don't want a girl that has drama or huge baggage. I can't stand drama and refuse to date any melo-dramatic female." Oh, how many times have I heard this one! Guys say it all the time. Drama is supposedly like they're kryptonite. They don't need it, don't want to be around it, or even want to hear about it but I beg to differ.

At the beginning stage of a relationship you go through the whole "getting to know each other" phase. You lay out everything that you want to disclose to one another and see where it goes from there. Some people disclose a little, some people disclose their entire life story, and some people disclose their life story, their medications, secrets, past relationships, the whole nine. I'm closer to the 'entire life story' end of the spectrum. I tell the person at the beginning of the relationship a lot about myself, I want the person to get the gist of me not just a sample or an overwhelming amount of info from the start. Instead of playing cutesy, I just throw it out there -- cautiously. Of course I don't tell every detail but enough so that the person understands my values, personality, and just me. There's not very much to know about me, I don't have any crazy exes, no kids, I'm not a socialite, my job isn't all that exciting, and I'm drama-free.

After talking to this guy for about a week, I told him about my family, friends, pets, job, school, and some funny/life stories here and there. I thought things were going great until out of the blue he accuses me of lying to him. He said that I wasn't being open and honest about everything. I felt two emotions: 1.) Anger: He called me a liar and we hadn't even known each other for a month...Psycho! 2.) Embarassed: I realized that my life is very tame and can seem boring. Needless to say, I told him I wasn't lying and then I just let that ship sail. To make matters worse the same thing happened again! This time he didn't call me a liar but he kind of said (in so many words) "That's it? That's all there is to you?" It's like they were waiting for that "Aha" moment where I reveal that I live in an old shoe with a gazillion kids and an alcoholic husband. However, me and the second guy are still friends. YES!! Friendzoned. =l

I don't know, maybe I'm a boring person or maybe guys are lying. Maybe they love the drama, I mean society is about drama. TV is about drama. If there were no drama on TV there'd be no TV shows. As much as men, and people in general say they hate drama I think everyone likes drama, even if we don't want to admit it. Maybe this is why all the drama folks are in relationships, while the drama-free folks are wishing upon stars for romance. I'm happy with my life and HAPPY to be drama-free. I could create a fake drama filled life and maybe I'll be taken by next week, but that's not me and it's not who I want to be.

September 26, 2012

The Mindy Project (Pilot Review)

Generally, I'm not a modern sitcom viewer. Of course I enjoy Modern Family and Big Bang Theory occasionally, but The Golden Girls, Three's Company, The Jeffersons and Martin (just to name a few) will forever overrule any modern sitcom in my opinion. A lot of today's sitcoms try too hard to be in the realm of great sitcom history which is why most of them fail early on. Some of the greatest things in life were created accidentally not purposefully. I thought the same thing when I saw an ad for a new sitcom called The Mindy Project.

With the new season arriving, tons of new TV shows are rolling out, and hardly any of them piqued my interest initially, until I saw Letterman interviewing Mindy Kaling about her new show. Prior to seeing her on Letterman, I had never heard of her nor had I ever seen her on my TV screen. She seemed poised, interesting, funny, and relatable which led me to watch the first episode of her self-entitled sitcom.

If you hate spoilers, this is the time to stop reading! Or if you're like me and hate spoilers but can't stop reading, keep reading.

As the first few minutes of the sitcom suggest, Mindy is a hopeless romantic soul who can quote the line of any romantic comedy ever made. She becomes a successful OB/GYN and seeks out to find her own "happily ever after". Now in her early 30's, she feels more hopeless and single than ever especially after being dumped by the man of her dreams. After attending her ex-knight in shining armor's wedding she gets heavily drunk, crashes the wedding, rides a bike across town, is teased by a talking Barbie doll, and gets arrested. Keep in mind this is only the first five minutes of the pilot.

Mindy's life seems to be spinning out of control as she tries to come to terms with the fact that she's 31 and still single. Instead of facing reality, she wants her life to be more like the romantic comedies that she's adored her entire life, but it's taking much longer (and less magical) than she anticipated.

The show seems promising and very relatable, at least for me. Although I'm not 30 (nor am I an OB/GYN), I have always dreamed of a real life romance like the movies. I know (well, hope) someday I'm going have my fairytale romance. However, I think it's important to be realistic, I realized this a couple years ago, but some people will end up chasing a fairytale their entire life.

Anyway, there were some things I did not like about the first episode. It does seem VERY predictable and it is cliche'. I mean how many times have we seen a young professional looking for a little love in a big city? How many times have we seen a young female trying to survive the dating world while still tackling fashion, work, and friends? Countless, right? But I guess most rom-com fans like this formula. Next, one of the running jokes throughout this episode was caring for patients with or without insurance. One of Mindy's white insured patients went into labor and she dropped everything and ran on foot across town to deliver the baby. On the other hand, a Muslim woman who did not speak English, and did not have health insurance went into labor and Mindy wanted to ignore her. I didn't like those jokes, too many people are without health insurance in this country. It is a very sad reality that doctors do in fact treat uninsured patients differently than insured ones. It's not something I want to hear joked about.

All in all, this was just the first episode and maybe it'll get better as time goes on. I will be watching the next episode or two, as I think it does have potential to be a decent show!

August 1, 2012

Inspirational Story from Church...

A boy and his grandfather were leaving church and it started to pour down raining. The storm was so bad that the boy could hardly see. Other cars pulled over on side of the road to wait it out. Even 18 wheelers and buses pulled over on the side of the road to wait it out. The boy told his grandfather, "Paw Paw we need to pull over. I can't see. Even the 18 wheelers are pulled over until the storm passes." His grandfather insisted that he keep going. He kept going until he got to some sunlight. "Whew, we finally made it out the storm," said the boy. Then suddenly his grandfather told him to pull over. The boy was puzzled but he did as told. His grandfather said, "Son, look back. See there, they're still stuck in the storm."

July 18, 2012

When a Bully Dies

Sixth grade was one of the worst school years ever. I went to a middle school where I didn't know anyone. Everyone had their old friends from elementary school, except me. The first couple weeks I was lonely but by the end of the month I was tormented due to being teased.

One person in particular made me cry almost everyday after school the first few months. Honestly, I hated him back then. I loved the days when he skipped school, it was like the greatest thing he could ever do for me. The tears dried up once I became accustomed to the teasing, it was just another part of life I thought.

Of course it wasn't the first time I had been teased about my weight but for some reason when I was in middle school, if someone of the opposite sex teased me it broke my heart. I think it was the hormones. This guy wasn't the only person who teased me either but his jokes and wisecracks effected me most. When I saw him I would cringe, I would go a different route just so I wouldn't cross his path, it was horrible. He always seemed to spot me on my worst days. Almost everyone loved his presence and cool swagger so I knew standing up to him would never work.

The following year the teasing continued until I transferred into advanced classes and never saw him unless it was in the hallway. Once I got out of middle school I still thought about the things he said to me, what was a harmless joke to everyone else, was more like a shot in the chest to me. I often dreamt of the day when I would see him in the mall or something, I would swallow my pride, stick my chest out and be courageous enough to stand up to him, but it never came.

June 24, 2012 my 21st birthday, a milestone in my life a joyous day for me quickly turned into a day I'd never forget. Not because I got shitfaced and danced my butt off all night long to some sick techno-pop beats but for a much darker reason.

After celebrating all night with my friends I come home and log onto Facebook to share my awesome night. As I'm typing my celebratory status, I notice 'RIP....' posted by various friends. You would think I would be jumping for joy that he had finally disappeared off the face of Earth, but even I surprised myself with the way I reacted.

In order to confirm that he had actually died I checked a local newsite and there it was. An article describing a shooting that killed a 22 year old black male as he sat in is car. A deep sadness came over me as I thought of him sitting in a car, lifeless. My eyes started to tingle and my nose twitched as from out of nowhere tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn't believe I was crying. Regardless of my dislike for him for what he did to me and how he made me feel, NO ONE deserves to die that way.

We always hear stories about kids who were bullied committing suicide, and then the remorsefulness of the person that bullied him/her...But do we ever hear stories vice-versa? A bully dying and the person whom he bullied feeling remorse or regret? It may around odd but I felt immensely guilty for disliking him even though he was the one who wronged me. I prayed for him and his family and I followed the story closely since the person who killed him was still on the run. I prayed that The killer would be caught and my prayers were answered.

Today, a 20-something year old man was arrested in connection with the murder. The odd thing is that the alleged killer has the same last name as I do. He dies on my birthday and the person who may have killed him has the same last name as I do...I think it's much deeper than a coincidence.

God bless you, JN I am praying for God to give you and your family complete peace.

June 27, 2012

Experiencing an Abortion

A few months ago in my English class we were discussing argumentative essays, which are essays that take one side of an argument and basically explains why the writer opposes or agrees with a certain issue. My instructor said she enjoyed a good argumentative essay but would never make us take sides on one issue: Abortion. I was ecstatic when she said that because I could never fully oppose or agree with abortion even after seeing one occur.

When I was a junior in high school, I was on the yearbook staff. Our class was small and intimate, so we pretty much shared everything together. A few months into the semester a new girl came on staff. She was nice, petite, and had a squeaky, immature sounding voice. Nonetheless, she blended in fine. She told us she was 17, from California, and had recently become emancipated due to issues with her mom. One day several weeks later we were all sitting at our computers working on yearbook stuff when she said quietly but out of blue "Ya'll I'm pregnant." I was somewhat shocked but given her history with men I wasn't that surprised. All the other girls gushed and started talking about baby names, who'd be the Godmother, etc. she seemed happy but unsure. After all, she already had a 2 year old little girl that her sister cared for primarily.

About a month later her flat stomach began to poke out and she started wearing a black sweatshirt over her uniform shirt to hide her baby bump. One Friday she told me she didn't want the baby, I wasn't sure why and I didn't pry, I honestly didn't think she was serious. The Monday afterwards when I saw her at school she no longer wore her black sweatshirt AND her stomach was flat again. I almost cried right then knowing that she had a life inside of her just Friday and now two days later it was gone. I asked her casually if she had the abortion, already knowing the answer, and she just nodded as if it was like a trip to the grocery store. She seemed totally unaffected while I was crying inside. I'm not sure why she got the abortion to this day, we never spoke of it again. I didn't treat her differently but I admit, I viewed her as a different person. Then, just as quickly as she came she left a few weeks before the end of the school year.

Even though I didn't directly experience an abortion I felt as if I did. It sucked watching her terminate a baby that could've had life but I do also realize that it was her body, her life, and ultimately her decision to go forth with the abortion. Who am I to judge her decision? Secondly, I had no idea why she did it. Her life story wasn't a very happy one so maybe it was so much more deeper than just not wanting it. Financially she couldn't take care of it since her sister already cared for her other child, who would take care of a new one? This is why I will probably never be 100% Pro-Life or Pro-Choice. You never know what kind of situation that person could be in. You also never know what kind of life a child can have if you abort it.

All in all, I'm not leaning to the left or right on this issue, abortion will always be a touchy issue even if you've never truly experienced it. I believe there's not one right way to look at abortion based on my experience alone.

May 29, 2012

Being a Virgin Is a Sin

When's the last time you got some? Have sex now and be saved from eternal damnation because being a virgin is a sin. Warning: This is probably my longest blog ever proceed with caution :)

In case you didn't know Meagan Good is getting married sometime this year. It was reported a few days ago that she and her husband were waiting to be married to have sex, despite being together for a couple years, they have never had sex (although she has had sex before getting together with him she's practicing abstinence). Probably mostly because her husband to be is a minister but either way I was happy to hear that they are waiting for marriage as most modern couples do not. My happiness turned to disgust when I read some comments about this story on a blog site. Here are some direct quotes (from:

"THAT'S STUPID!!!! Who buys a car without driving it first?? She doesn't even know if his dick works, if it's 3 inches long or if he lasts maximum 4 minutes. He might me impotent for all she knows..." - Anonymous 4:41pm

"So what he's GAY! Of a DL Bro which doesn't surprise me being so involved with the church and all!" - Anonymous
3:49 pm

"Ok so either A) he's waitin on some clean test results B) he's waitin on 50 cent's funk to wash off, or C) he has a whack wank and dont want her to know about it. Either way I get the feeling that this "waiting until marriage" thing is HIS idea. *Shrugs* congrats to the couple, hope they end up happily ever after." - Another Nobody 2:55 pm

"So judging by the majority of the comments, its okay to have sex outside of marriage? Why is the bible always thrown at the gays. Seems like everyone is sinning. Shouldn't we all be waiting until marriage to have sex?" -TY 1:16 pm

You're probably wondering why I quoted mostly negative comments ...Well the answer is simple. Out of the nearly 200 comments, there weren't very many positive things said. I was actually surprised, but after thinking about it, lately being a virgin or even being abstinent is considered 'uncool', stupid, shameful and even sinful.

It's in movies, music, and TV...Being a virgin sucks. Remember the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin starring Steve Carrell as a 40 year old guy who had never had sex? The whole movie portrayed his life to be boring, uninteresting, miserable and quite shitty because of his virgin status. What about the slew of no strings attached movies that came out within the last year? Where sex always leads to romance and love.

I don't have a problem with people having sex before they're married, as it's their life and their choice, I have a problem with the negativity being placed on virginity. Then we wonder why kids are starting to have sex at 12 years old. Girls think they'll never fall in love if they don't have sex (or they think sex always equals love) and guys think sex makes them more masculine and cool. Some people just do it to say they did it. Virginity is becoming
less coveted and more ridiculed.

I remember back in high school I loved
The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot. When I was in 10th grade I got to the last book in the series. By the time I got to the second chapter, I closed the book and threw it on my bed. Phrases like "Have you seen "it"" or "Are you two going do "it"?". I hated the fact that the author had to use sex to make the last book more appealing. Sex sells.

There's a whole sexual propaganda out there. People who are sexy and sexual have a good life, while clean cut virgins are nerdy and boring. If you want to have a good life, you need to do this and the worst thing in the world is to be a virgin BS.

My parents always told me to wait for marriage when I would inquire about sex as a preteen. Once I became a teenager we had "The Talk" but they never told me it was totally wrong to have pre-marital sex but I decided early on I wasn't having sex before marriage. I don't find it hard to not have sex, but I do find it hard to live in a society that says what I'm doing is wrong, stupid, and lame. Sex is such a major part of relationships these days, and even though I am proud and confident with my decision it makes me feel more hopeless that I'm not going to find the right person or The One without having sex. I was even called naive when I told a guy how I felt about sex. I don't think sex should make or break any relationship but most people think the exact opposite.

There's this gameshow called Baggage, where the contestants are competing to win over a guy/girl solely by revealing how much baggage they have. Some of the contestants reveal odd things like their a convicted felon, Satan worshipper, and they enjoy being in unstable, open relationships. On one episode a female contestant revealed that she was a virgin, and the guy eliminated her during the first round. I think my helpless feeling was justified when I watched that. Especially when he ended up choosing a girl who had been to jail for theft and still sleeps with stuffed animals.

It's been said many times that there's someone for everyone. Surprisingly, even as hopeless as I feel, I have faith in that phrase. I believe that there is some guy who doesn't think I'm stuck up, naive or boring because I'm not having sex with him. I wish society's viewpoint on this topic would evolve...i feel like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter, but instead I'm wearing a big V on my blouse instead of an A.

If being a virgin is a sin, I'm a sinner...

May 22, 2012

My Life...In Gaining W8

I was reading another bloggers post about when/how/why she gained weight and became fat so it kind of inspired me to discuss my own. Don't worry it's not depressing. Promise. 

Most people tend to gain weight as they get older, during college, or after having kids, but mine happened much earlier. Before I could even understand the dynamics of overweight, dieting, obesity, etc. Up until around 3rd grade I was an average sized kid. I didn't notice I was getting fat until I some bully named Vincent called me fat-so in 3rd grade. This same year my family and I moved from across town, brand new house, new neighbors and a new school. It was all a different world to me. I didn't even believe him, I just hated him because he liked to tease and torment me.  I figured that since I wasn't teased for being fat in 2nd grade, I wasn't fat in 3rd grade either. Very logical of me.

It took us about three weeks to move to our new house and due to packing and cleaning my mom wasn't able to cook our meals. So, we began eating lots of fast food. Before moving across town, fast food was a usually a treat for my brother and I, when we had a good report card, did our chores, or when we received good scores on our standardized tests. During those three weeks my brother and I were in heaven, which is probably how I gained weight.

I never really looked at my body until 3rd grade. I remember this day vividly, because it was the first time I had looked at myself...Naked. I realized that my stomach was round and soft. I touched it, rubbed it, and pressed against it and felt that it was kind of hard in the middle. I started to panic after feeling it was hard in the middle. I thought I was pregnant. It's hilarious now, but I was terrified. I didn't know anything about babies or even sex for that matter, I just knew that all women with round hard stomachs were pregnant. My suspicions got worse when my mom began to shop for me in the Juniors plus and Misses section, a section mostly for teens and young women. I kept thinking that she knew I was pregnant too!

After a few months my stomach didn't get bigger like most pregnant women, so I figured I wasn't pregnant, just chubby. I learned to hate the word fat, because Vincent (and other kids who teased me) made it sound so horrible, so disgusting, so deviant. At that point body image and self esteem hadn't kicked in, I just knew I hated being called fat. I did compare myself to the other girls in my class, most of them were Asian or Caucasian, and they were all super skinny and short, while I was chubby and taller.  I didn't think anything of it, at least not at that time.

May 20, 2012

Guys and Girls CANNOT Be Friends

Whilst browsing on Facebook, I noticed a typical post that said 'Like this if you believe this, comment if you don't believe this'. Usually I just ignore such posts, as they are super annoying, but this one I totally disagree with.

I don't believe that males and females can be just friends without one catching feelings sooner or later. I know this from experience, maybe My situation is is different as all situations are different. But I've seen it happen to others time and time again. Just think about how many couples were best friends before dating?

There's also the books, movies, music, and even family members convincing people that their opposite sex friend should be their lover. It's not easy to escape societal pressure, and some people become convinced that their friend is their soulmate, after all they have so much in common! Then three things may happen: a.) Their relationship fails and they figure out they are meant to be friends b.) It's a success, they end up married and have a fairytale ending or c.) It's successful, they marry, then figure out shortly thereafter they were better off friends.

I'm no relationship expert, and this is only my opinion but yeah...I would offer advice (or my opinion) on how girls and guys can be friends but that's another post, for another time.

May 15, 2012

Graduating from High School

First of all, if you are graduating or have graduated from high school CONGRATULATIONS my loves!

I remember the day I graduated from high school like it happened an hour ago. I can't really describe how I felt, I was nervous, scared, tired, energetic, excited, and sad all at once. No one probably noticed but I even shed a tear or two when the class song was played. It was a Whitney Houston song that was more depressing than inspiring. I felt a tingle in my heart, one tear fell, then another. Even I couldn't believe I was crying. I hated high school for the most part! I looked around at the people in my section, pretty sure I wasn't the only one crying, but everyone else seemed unmoved. Damn hormones.

This was the beginning of the rest of my life (or so I was told) but also the end of a life I had known for over a decade. I wasn't fond of high school, I didn't have any real friends there but my classmates were my community. I knew of everyone even if we weren't friends we shared a common community, almost like distant relatives. I wasn't going to see those familiar faces anymore.

As I sat there in my assigned seat at graduation, perspiring from the warmth of a packed assembly center, I looked around and those people who had surrounded me for years wouldn't be there anymore. The thought of change made me nervous. Sure high school was a breeze, but what about college? I wasn't sure about my future and I just didn't want to close the book on my past.

After the gloomy graduation song, the principal made a speech that I only half paid attention to. Then the Valedictorian and Salutatorian made their speeches respectively. For some reason after I heard them speak, I felt better, I felt like it was ok to move on to a new chapter because life doesn't stop.

Then it was diploma time! I was in the second row, and watched as the first row proceeded to the stage. I kep thinking about every graduates worst nightmare...Falling on stage! As my row got up, I was nervous but ready. As I got closer to the stage, I kept thinkikng about the milestone I was about to cross. Not everyone is so blessed to receive a diploma. Just a century ago my ancestors were denied even basic education and here I was, receiving my diploma. Up until that moment school was a place I went to make good grades and to learn but it's more than that. It's your foundation, it's your guided pathway into the world. It prepares you mentally and socially, more than any other place could. It's a purgatory, so to speak. A place between (and during) childhood and adulthood. I realized that 2 minutes before receiving my diploma after 12 long years.

Finally, I was at the front of the line, when I heard the Assistant Principal call my name time stood still, I felt like I was in the middle of a bubble as I walked up to the principal, shook his hand, posed for a picture, and walked off stage. My relatives had been cheering for me but I couldn't hear a thing. It was surreal, up until I got back to my seat.

After I sat down I looked at the diploma holder and opened it, expecting to see my beautiful, shiny diploma! But it wasn't there!!! I looked around and realized no one else had theirs and word quickly spread that the actual diplomas would be given after the actual ceremony. I just missed the memo...What a relief.

After the ceremony I raced to the back where the actual diplomas were being given and after opening the envelope there it was! I was happier at this point and felt good about looking back on high school. No matter what obstacles I might face, I knew I'd have to tackle them head on. Life wasn't ending or just beginning, it was continuing. My future was bright, I just had to believe in me.

Graduation day was a mixture of emotions for me, but I wouldn't change it at all. If you are graduating from high school, please don't be afraid. Your life is not just beginning, it's only continuing and it can only get better from here on out. Believe in yourself at all times, and never feel discouraged. I believe in you! :)

I Love You...But I Don't Know You

I Love You...But I Don't Know You (and other random stuff) ---

I just finished reading this novel about a girl who falls in love with this guy that she doesn't even know. She watches his actions, listens to his voice, and sort of stalks him. She gets to know him indirectly by just observing, no in depth conversations, no text messages, no tweets, just by nature. Eventually she actually meets him and they fall in love. Typical fairytale. I loved the concept of this novel and it made me wonder is it truly possible to love someone without knowing them?

There have been various songs about this type of love phenomenon. Such as Alicia Keys' "You Don't Know My Name", which describes the feelings and emotions of a girl who is madly obsessed with this guy, gets his name and number from a business card he left at her job, and even fantasizes about their hypothetical relationship. What about that super popular song from the 90's by Savage Garden? The chorus says "I knew I loved you before I met you..." It seems as though loving someone before you really know them isn't so uncommon, at least in the music and movie industry.

Before writing this post, it took me 5 seconds to say that loving someone before you get to know them is absurd but the more I think about it, I think it can happen. Excluding middle schoolers and expectant mothers who love their child before birth, I think it's quite possible that a normal person can fall in love with a stranger. Sometimes you can feel a strong connection to a person that has nothing to do with the physical aspect. I believe you can love a person for their actions, their words, their voice, their body language, and just their presence. Some people fall in love with a person without even noticing those little things that can just be observed.

I've always been fascinated by the idea of love at first sight, not that I believe or disbelieve in it, it's just fascinating...It always makes me wonder how do you know when you've met the love of your life? People say you just know, but I don't believe that, not everyone just knows. I honestly don't think I'll know. I think my "one" is probably off somewhere about to get married because I was oblivious to the fact that he is/was my soulmate...Or maybe he's just hiding under a boulder of some sort. Who knows.

In closing, I'd like to apologize for my depressing, love-infested posts. I found out something about someone who I used to know and it's taking a toll on me, I'm not even sure why. It feels like a piece of my childhood is being taken away. Someone who's always been in the back of my mind is taking that step, and I just feel all weird, even though I knew it was coming. This in addition to "The Break Up". Ugh. Happiness, gaiety, and joy please come back to me. In a standard romantic comedy, this would the moment where the most amazing, magical moment occurs and the gray skies turn blue, as life goes from Death Valley to Mount St. Helens within a matter of minutes! Oh, I forgot this in real life. Le sigh.

May 12, 2012

Why I've Been Crying Every Night...

For the past four nights, I've been going to sleep with wet cheeks, a tear stained pillow, and a tortured heart. For the past four nights, I have been watching two romantic comedies before bed, which is why I've been crying every night before I go to sleep! I don't know why I torture myself. I mean, I LOVE LOVE LOVE a good romantic comedy but I'm always in tears at the end. Usually because either I can or can't relate to the story. Usually the latter.

I've even tried to watch a different kind of movie, but they just bore me. I'm not a movie buff and the first 15 minutes should capture me, if not, I'm shutting it off. 

Last night I watched 13 Going On 30 and Sixteen Candles. Both are on my favorites list, because I can actually relate to them both (minus the happily ever part...). I watched Sixteen Candles first, and I've seen it so many times, I didn't cry. I cried through the entire last 45 minutes of 13 Going On 30! I was thinking about someone and something and it just hit me. Tuesday I watched The Back Up Plan and even though I couldn't relate to it, there were some relationship aspects that I could definitely relate to, like shutting guys out and not being confident enough to know when someone is really into me.

*Sigh* This break up is effecting my emotions...Hard.

Anyone else remember and still love this amaaaazing song?

May 11, 2012

Three Things That Depress Me...

Hey all! It's the summertime and I'm back! Woot, woot! So, today I decided to check my email to see if anyone had sent me questions during my hiatus, and you guys did! I looked through the five emails that I received and all of them were great but this one was my favorite.

One of my readers asked: What depresses you personally, socially, and just in general? I believe this is a great question, and maybe you guys can relate to this question. Everyone has something that makes them sad, upset, or just angry. Here are mine.

One thing that depresses me personally is the fact that I'm 20 with no kids nor am I in a serious relationship. I know, shocker. As I've said in the past, I don't really want kids, and it's not that I want to be a mother. It's just the fact that I don't even feel the need to want the responsibility of a family or a child. Sometimes I feel like a late bloomer and even immature. I don't have the feelings that most girls my age do. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing. Almost everyone my age is either pregnant or has kids, in a serious relationship or engaged but I just want to go with the flow and let things happen. Sure, I'd love to get married and have my happily ever after, but as of late I'm not rushing, and maybe I should be? I don't know. It's kind of odd seeing girls my age and even younger planning to marry. I don't think I'm careless at all, just careful, you know? I think this really all has to do with the fact that I just got out of a relationship...

Politics. There's SO much turmoil within politics and I hate it. It depresses me that this country is so divided and that people are so ignorant. I feel like moving out of this country, to somewhere in Europe or maybe even Canada, anywhere but here.

In General
I have two of these and one I have said this before but, I can't stand society nor the media. Society is the worst, the fact that if society decides that you're too different, too skinny, too fat, too gay, too dark, too flamboyant, too weird, you're an outcast, you're wrong and you don't belong to be treated equally in society. The media and society are one in the same. The media just reiterates what society says through magazines, articles, and television. I just wish we didn't put so much value on what society thinks. I wish people knew that their opinion is JUST their opinion and no one has the right to place value on 'different' people. It's depressing that people feed into society instead of their own personal values. We glorify the beautiful, the rich, and the perfect but look down upon the normal, the poor, and those who are different.

The second general thing that depresses me, is weight loss commercials. I hate them because they are such lies and they portray fat people in such a negative light. A few weeks back I saw a commercial where Mariah Carey was conducting a panel-type discussion about weight loss. One of the females on the panels said "Being fat is just unattractive..." I almost threw something at my flat screen TV, but quickly came to reality after thinking over the money it would take to repair it. She should've said "I THINK being fat is just unattractive." She said the statement as if it were a law. Most of the time they talk about how their sex appeal has increased since losing weight and how men open doors for them. BS! Not all men think being skinny is sexy, and men hold the door open for me and I'm nowhere near small. It's depressing how they play with words to make fat people feel bad and insecure, that's not how it's supposed to go.

Anywho, those are the three things that depress me, and hopefully my feelings about these things evolve...Eventually.

March 5, 2012

I Hate Society

I really hate society. I don't want to be in this so called 'civilized society'. It's horrible, terrible, and down right filthy. It's not going to change because no one wants to make a change. Children are raising children, it's all about money, material things, and what you look like. Not who you are, what you stand for, and your goals/aspirations.

I'm really so sick of the people in this society who not only think that life revolves around material items, and those people who sit on their high horse and look down upon people for stupid things (e.g. skin color, weight, sexual orientation, etc.)! Also, anything that's different is wrong and ugly. SO tired of American Society and the fact that it's not changing. It's frustrating. I wish that we could come together, and be a GOOD society. I know there are no perfect societies, but there has to be something better.

A society where we could walk down the street wearing anything we want without getting looked at. A society where a fat person can eat in peace without being stared at or ridiculed. A society where homosexuals can flaunt their rainbow flags and kiss their mate in public. A society that could careless about your jewels, but your contributions to the world. A society where teachers are paid more than reality TV show stars and professional athletes combined. A society where beauty was in the eye of the beholder. A society where people are prepared for children, and raise them appropriately with sufficient help and assistance. A society where no family would starve because everyone would help each other, not put each other down. A society where everyone knows that you have to work for what you want, the world owes you nothing. A society with good honest leaders. A society where poisonous drugs and alcohol were condemned totally. A society where people aren't bullied/ridiculed, because everyone understands that we're all special in our own right. A society that understands that 'different' is not wrong, but embraceable. A society that understands that there are millions of different viewpoints in the country, and not all of them are right or wrong. A society where everyone knows perfection is non-existant. A society of open minds and hearts. A society that I'd be happy in.

March 4, 2012

Advice: Fool In Love (Breaking Up...)

It would be easy to just forget all the things that happened, take him back, and be happy (at least temporarily). Sounds so easy, but it's not. Life is hard, and it's one of those hard decisions. Life is about decisions, and the decisions that you make determine what path your life will take. What's the worst that could happen? You deserve to be happy right?

You miss him a lot, even though it's only been a few days but it feels like it's been years since you last spoke. You tell him "I don't want to speak to you again" but you're just dying to get a text, an email, a wall post on Facebook, a tweet, SOMETHING. Maybe if he would just apologize, tell you those three little words, make your heart melt again, things would be all peachy again (if only for a little while). You know you shouldn't accept just words, actions are what count, and that he'll probably do the same things again in the near future. But the happiness you feel when you're with him, talking to him, just being apart of their life makes you so happy and you can't put a price on happiness.

It's been said that the definition of "stupid" is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results when you're not doing anything different. You don't want to be stupid, you just want to be happy. It's also been said that there's no love without pain, but there's a limit. People often interpret that phrase the wrong way or they adjust it to fit their situation, but it is just exactly what it says.

When the pain outweighs the happiness, the bad times overpower the good times, the tears drown out the laughter, that's when you know it's time to let go. It may hurt, you may feel lonely, but find solace in God, friends, and family. Find strength in KNOWING that there's someone for everyone and some guys are just frogs, but soon you'll find your prince. Don't settle for anyone who hurts you, makes you feel unappreciated, unworthy, and not like the queen that you are.

If it's meant to be it will happen, if it's not meant to be someone else will be more worthy. We spend too much time thinking that we've missed our true love, when in reality we're missing out on life and the chance to meet our REAL true love by worrying about that one who got away. It's easier said than done, but I hope you find comfort in these words, and please know that you're not alone.s

February 21, 2012

Bad, Bad Move Rihanna and Chris

If you're into music or not, you've probably seen that they've (Rihanna and Chris Brown) teamed up to make two songs together after several years of seemingly avoiding each other. Their new collaboration may not come as a surprise to many, but it's still the buzz in the entertainment world. As an avid Chris Brown fan, how do feel about this?

First of all, I quite frankly believe that this move was stupid business-wise. Rihanna fans and Chris Brown fans are virtually enemies since that one violent incident. After the incident Rihanna supposedly went on a crusade against domestic violence and blasted Chris every chance she got, making her fans believe that she hated him. On the other hand, Chris Brown fans tirelessly defended him, not believing the hype and going against the media to support him. I wouldn't say that I did all that, but I still supported Chris, because Rihanna was just...Fake.

If the management team of Rihanna and Chris had any sense, they would've stopped them from making such an idiotic move from the start. While some of Rihanna and Chris' fans will stand beside and support anything that they do, there are still lots of fans who feel betrayed and even hurt. A couple months back when it was just RUMORED that they were working together, Rihanna's fans were highly upset, voicing their opinion on social networks, message boards, and e-mail. It was loud and clear that they weren't happy with her decision to work with the 'monster'. Rihanna played her fans like a guitar, and if I were a die hard fan (which I am the total opposite), I could see why they'd be insulted.

Personally, I don't feel betrayed at all, as it's their life and money that they're playing around with. It won't hurt me either way. However, I do feel as though if they wanted to rekindle their friendship, they should not have did it through music. I am a fan of Chris Brown's music, I couldn't care less about his personal life. The fact is that they are both 'normal' people, and 'normal' people do this kind of on-again-off-again relationship all the time. Is it unhealthy? Yes. But people still do it regardless. People are so up in arms with these two because they're celebrities, it's public.

Finally, I've heard both songs and the originals are much better, I'm quite sure they'll be far more successful than the remixes. I just think this was a bad business move. Trying to bring together two different audiences, is like trying to mix oil and water. Maybe (hopefully) this is just a publicity stunt. As much as I'd like this to go away, I know this is probably only just the beginning...

February 15, 2012

February 4, 2012

January 8, 2012

Opinion: Baby Ivy Blue Carter

G'morning folks!

Whether you're just waking up, on the commute to church/worship services, or you're just winding down from the night before I'm sure you've heard the "big" news. Beyonce birthed a baby girl in New York yesterday evening. I won't waste my time sparring the details, as it's all over the internet but I will state my opinion about this whole baby frenzy.

First of all, congratulations to Sean (Jay-Z) and Beyonce. A baby is a beautiful blessing and I hope that baby Ivy is healthy and happy....But I'm already tired of the negativity surrounding this child. I'm not a really big Jay-Z and Beyonce fan, but still they're humans and bleed red blood just like the rest of us. It's sad how people have so much hate inside of them, that they don't think logically. It's just a baby there a millions of them in the United States, this one is not special or made of gold.

Originally, I found out after logging on to Twitter that the baby was delivered by C-Section. I already hate the people of Twitter, but tonight, the hate I have for them is at an all time high. I don't know what it is about Twitter where people feel as though they can say anything they want to without a care. There were so many jokes about baby's name and one guy even mentioned that he would be the first to take her virginity (photo of tweet below). The SICKEST thing I have ever heard in my entire life. This is a BABY for Christ's sake! Leave baby Ivy alone.

It's been reported that Jay and B spent 1.4 million dollars to renovate one of the floors in the hospital. NOT just one room an entire floor! This is why I can't get with Jay and B. They act as though they want a private life, but the types of shenanigans they pull tell me otherwise. First of all it's SELFISH. All the other people in the hospital who are sick or in labor need rooms and they can just vacate a floor with the drop of a few millions of dollars? SICK! Shouldn't that violate some kinds of health codes? If the rich can buy a floor of a public hospital, their power is limitless. Which is scary.

Last but not least, the name: Ivy Blue Carter (As of late, the official name has not been released but most reports confirm that this is the name). When I first saw the name, I thought "original" but then when I read various speculations about how the name came about, it just kind of disappointed me. I thought with this child, Jay and B would reclaim some "normalness", but things don't appear to be evolving anytime soon. Supposedly, the name is nothing but a whole bunch of symbolism. (IV) = 4 in roman numerals, which was the title for B's latest album and the couple's favorite number. Blue is Jay's favorite color and the title of his series of albums (The BLUEprint). I won't say if I disagree or agree with the Illuminati crap, but why is there always so much symbolism with these two (mostly Jay-Z)? Another thing that annoys me with them.

In conclusion, I'm happy that Jay and B finally have a little princess to watch the throne but there are thousands of babies born in the United States everyday, and this one shouldn't be anything special (well, why am I blogging about it, right?). If people would mind their own, and not worship celebrities the world would be a much better place. If we don't feed the monster, it won't grow. I'm just saying.

January 2, 2012

Fail: Saw an Old Flame

Saw an old flame tonight at my job. I was sitting at the desk, and I saw a male figure out of the corner of my eye while talking with someone. Something told me to look over at him and I did, and it was him. A guy I liked throughout middle school and high school ( I've blogged about him before, read this blog post from 2010 *click here* ), who never showed interest (we never even held a verbal conversation together), but I still had a big crush on him.

I hadn't saw him since 11th grade but he still looks exactly the same. When I saw him my mind went GAGALOCO...Not like "OMG IT'S HIM!!! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE" but I was debating whether or not I should wave or speak. I thought if I waved he would've just blew me off, like why is she speaking to me. Then I thought if I didn't speak it would be awkward and really rude especially since I looked directly at him. But, to my surprise, he waved at me first. I waved back with a smile (I'm always smiling, so I wasn't smiling to be flirtacious) and looked behind me to make sure that he was waving to me. FAIL. I just knew the next time I saw him, I would avoid him and just blow him off, but noooooo I succumbed to his weak little wave. Pfft. But I felt good, I didn't get the feeling I used to get when I saw him, I felt comfortable, which is a GOOD thing, at least I know I'm over him (as I should be) so it wasn't a total fail :)

Opinion: Sex With a Teacher...

Every week there's some teacher(s) in the US arrested for having sexual relations with a student. What the hell is wrong with people these days? What would compel someone in their 20's-30's (and up) to sleep with a not even fully developed 13-17 year old? Teachers are supposed to be an authority figure not a sex symbol. I feel sorry for the kids getting exploited by these teachers. I haven't even graduated from college yet, and I know that I've worked much too hard and spent way too much money on this degree to let something so trivial take it all away.

Just think about it, what kind of decent job would a sex offender be able to get? The thought of the shame is enough for me, so why do teachers basically risk their lives JUST for sex with a child. It was only a couple years ago that I was a teenager and in high school. Teenage girls want attention and a fairy tale (Yes I was one of them). They don't fully understand love and the difference between love and sex, and older men tend to exploit them because of their naivety. Some young men are charming and some female teachers have the mind of a teenage girl and thrive on the attention they receive from the male, even if he is just 15. Teachers should think of their students as their children, not as friends, not as co-people but as students and children.

But really, is it all the teacher's fault? Or maybe media is to blame? The most sexually attractive images are of super young, small, tiny women with big boobs and a nice butt. No matter the age, the turn on comes from the assets of a female (not to mention that teenage girls are 'blossoming' at a much younger age these days). The school girl image has been exploited over the years and turned into a sex symbol. Still, teachers are ADULTS no matter what the media says, the responsibility lies with them.

I remember a teacher at my high school who got much too playful and touchy feely with her male students. She acted like a teenager, and she was treated as a part of the group. It annoyed the heck out of me, and was SO noticeable, I can't see how the administration never noticed. Teachers should be screened for maturity, if you're trying to relive the glory days of your high school years, please don't become a teacher, you're setting yourself up for failure.

As a teacher, I want to educate not manipulate the children of our future. I want to give them the opportunities that I had and more. I want to let them know that the world is in their hands and that no matter who they are or where they came from the universe is the limit. I absolutely hate the fact that educators who have so much power to steer the youth in the right direction are misusing their gift! *sad face*