November 19, 2012

Relationship Identity Crisis

I think I'm 'racist'...Against my own ethnicity when it comes to dating. I know, I know so mean, right? Ugh, I suck. If a black guy approaches me or even seems interested it doesn't please me. Of course I'm flattered, but still most likely not interested. If I am interested in someone of my race I'm very picky. On the other hand, if I'm approached by someone of a different race, I am captivated, and totally interested. I don't even care about the physical stuff. Why is my mind like that?! I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I only notice it in hindsight. Before you start judging me, hear me out.

I think the reason why I'm more attracted to other races started back when I was a kid. I couldn't listen to rap so I listened to pop music 24/7. I loved boy bands, teen queens, and catchy bubblegum pop songs about love. My first celebrity crush wasn't Lil' Bow Wow or Lil' Romeo, it was Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter. From then on, I guess I kind of strayed away from being 'urban'. I started listening to rock, country, and alternative music and made friends more easily with other races. In fact, the older I got the harder it was for me to maintain friendships with people of my own race (excluding the out casts). I didn't have the same interests as they did, I didn't watch the same TV shows, or listen to the same music as they did. In school(Pre-K to 12th grade), I only had a few male friends and they were all of a different race, that could be a factor too.

Nowadays, I still feel the same. Maybe I should expand my horizon, but most African American guys my age don't discuss politics, complex societal issues, conspiracy theories or the latest album by Cage the Elephant (an alternative band). I love educated, thought provoking conversations, but I have yet to experience such a thing with a black guy. I feel boring when I discuss the cultural importance of a Red Hot Chilli Peppers song to someone who doesn't even know them.

I'm not racist at all (maybe a little biased I suppose), I just like good deep conversation and talking to someone who gets me. Is that my fault? I'm not being judgmental, because love is love no matter what color, I just feel like sometimes I discriminate and that makes me feel bad. It just so happens that I haven't met a guy of my own race who stimulates my mind and understands me. Who knows, maybe I haven't met the right one yet. Maybe I'm also concerned about being judged myself. You know those people who think it's betraying to date outside of your own race. Ignorant, but there are still people who feel that way. Anyway, after typing all this I feel better and less confused...

November 8, 2012

Low Self Esteem Relapse

I haven't felt this way in a while. I have only felt this way maybe once or twice in the last 11 months, which is awesome considering how I used to feel this way all the time. What is this feeling? The feeling that I'm not good enough. Yeah, I might be cute but I'm not beautiful. Yeah, I'm smart and intellectual but what does that matter? Yeah, I'm a good, loving, caring person but there's someone better.

I'll be honest, the cause of why I'm feeling this way is stupid and dates all the way back to 10th grade. There was a girl who teased me relentlessly. She was pretty, could draw well, loved music, and always had cute hairstyles, nothing about me could compete. I hated her because of what she said about me to others but I especially hated her when she told jokes about me to the cute guy who sat beside me and he laughed at her jokes and started to tease me behind my back with her. I just ignored them, and they probably thought I was deaf and dumb in addition to being fat. I dreaded going to that class, and loathed seeing her anywhere else at school. One day I got the courage to stand up to the cute guy, I felt good about it and he never joked about me with her again, at least not in my face. I was satisfied but weeks later I wanted to confront her, too. Unfortunately, I never got the chance since she moved and went to another school.

Fast forward to present-day. I comment on lots of news forums about various stories. I love voicing my opinion with concise, well thought comments. It's one of my favorite pasttimes. So, earlier today, I log on to my favorite site, ready to comment on today's latest news stories, when I see a familiar face. It was her, on my turf! Her comments received raves and tons of replies, something that took ages for me to achieve. Some stranger even called her beautiful. A part of me died. It's like this girl who cut me deeper than any wound is on my playing field and winning. Maybe she's changed but I wish people knew what she did to me, I wish physical beauty reflected internal beauty. It just made me feel...Defeated.

Just imagine, you and your friends are on a basketball team. Everyone likes you and respects you so much that you're captain of the team. Then your arch enemy comes along and joins the team. Within an hour the all like him and admire him seemingly more than you. Within two hours he's named captain and you're benched for the whole season. Imagine that feeling...That's what I'm feeling right now.

Maybe I'm only as good as my looks (I believe I'm beautiful but society disagrees) and nothing more. No matter how smart or caring I am none of it matters in the end.

I know I should probably let the whole teasing thing go but it's not easy when that's all you know about a person. I only know that she made my life hell. I just don't get why the bad people get all the good things: the beauty, love, money, praise, attention.

I am blessed regardless and I'm praying for the strength to forgive her...And to find my happy place once again. I am beautiful, loved, and worthy of praise according to God and that alone will get me back up the self esteem hill.