November 8, 2012

Low Self Esteem Relapse

I haven't felt this way in a while. I have only felt this way maybe once or twice in the last 11 months, which is awesome considering how I used to feel this way all the time. What is this feeling? The feeling that I'm not good enough. Yeah, I might be cute but I'm not beautiful. Yeah, I'm smart and intellectual but what does that matter? Yeah, I'm a good, loving, caring person but there's someone better.

I'll be honest, the cause of why I'm feeling this way is stupid and dates all the way back to 10th grade. There was a girl who teased me relentlessly. She was pretty, could draw well, loved music, and always had cute hairstyles, nothing about me could compete. I hated her because of what she said about me to others but I especially hated her when she told jokes about me to the cute guy who sat beside me and he laughed at her jokes and started to tease me behind my back with her. I just ignored them, and they probably thought I was deaf and dumb in addition to being fat. I dreaded going to that class, and loathed seeing her anywhere else at school. One day I got the courage to stand up to the cute guy, I felt good about it and he never joked about me with her again, at least not in my face. I was satisfied but weeks later I wanted to confront her, too. Unfortunately, I never got the chance since she moved and went to another school.

Fast forward to present-day. I comment on lots of news forums about various stories. I love voicing my opinion with concise, well thought comments. It's one of my favorite pasttimes. So, earlier today, I log on to my favorite site, ready to comment on today's latest news stories, when I see a familiar face. It was her, on my turf! Her comments received raves and tons of replies, something that took ages for me to achieve. Some stranger even called her beautiful. A part of me died. It's like this girl who cut me deeper than any wound is on my playing field and winning. Maybe she's changed but I wish people knew what she did to me, I wish physical beauty reflected internal beauty. It just made me feel...Defeated.

Just imagine, you and your friends are on a basketball team. Everyone likes you and respects you so much that you're captain of the team. Then your arch enemy comes along and joins the team. Within an hour the all like him and admire him seemingly more than you. Within two hours he's named captain and you're benched for the whole season. Imagine that feeling...That's what I'm feeling right now.

Maybe I'm only as good as my looks (I believe I'm beautiful but society disagrees) and nothing more. No matter how smart or caring I am none of it matters in the end.

I know I should probably let the whole teasing thing go but it's not easy when that's all you know about a person. I only know that she made my life hell. I just don't get why the bad people get all the good things: the beauty, love, money, praise, attention.

I am blessed regardless and I'm praying for the strength to forgive her...And to find my happy place once again. I am beautiful, loved, and worthy of praise according to God and that alone will get me back up the self esteem hill.

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