November 19, 2012

Relationship Identity Crisis

I think I'm 'racist'...Against my own ethnicity when it comes to dating. I know, I know so mean, right? Ugh, I suck. If a black guy approaches me or even seems interested it doesn't please me. Of course I'm flattered, but still most likely not interested. If I am interested in someone of my race I'm very picky. On the other hand, if I'm approached by someone of a different race, I am captivated, and totally interested. I don't even care about the physical stuff. Why is my mind like that?! I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I only notice it in hindsight. Before you start judging me, hear me out.

I think the reason why I'm more attracted to other races started back when I was a kid. I couldn't listen to rap so I listened to pop music 24/7. I loved boy bands, teen queens, and catchy bubblegum pop songs about love. My first celebrity crush wasn't Lil' Bow Wow or Lil' Romeo, it was Justin Timberlake and Nick Carter. From then on, I guess I kind of strayed away from being 'urban'. I started listening to rock, country, and alternative music and made friends more easily with other races. In fact, the older I got the harder it was for me to maintain friendships with people of my own race (excluding the out casts). I didn't have the same interests as they did, I didn't watch the same TV shows, or listen to the same music as they did. In school(Pre-K to 12th grade), I only had a few male friends and they were all of a different race, that could be a factor too.

Nowadays, I still feel the same. Maybe I should expand my horizon, but most African American guys my age don't discuss politics, complex societal issues, conspiracy theories or the latest album by Cage the Elephant (an alternative band). I love educated, thought provoking conversations, but I have yet to experience such a thing with a black guy. I feel boring when I discuss the cultural importance of a Red Hot Chilli Peppers song to someone who doesn't even know them.

I'm not racist at all (maybe a little biased I suppose), I just like good deep conversation and talking to someone who gets me. Is that my fault? I'm not being judgmental, because love is love no matter what color, I just feel like sometimes I discriminate and that makes me feel bad. It just so happens that I haven't met a guy of my own race who stimulates my mind and understands me. Who knows, maybe I haven't met the right one yet. Maybe I'm also concerned about being judged myself. You know those people who think it's betraying to date outside of your own race. Ignorant, but there are still people who feel that way. Anyway, after typing all this I feel better and less confused...

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