November 11, 2015

Catching and Confessing Feelings

I've never had to confess my feelings for someone who I liked. I've only truly had feelings for two people, so I don't catch feelings offen. The first one was this guy who I thought I loved. He hardly knew my name. I never wanted him to know that I liked him but watching several romantic comedies where the awkward girl confesses her love to the jock and they ride off happily ever after really encouraged me. After crushing on him for years, I asked my friend to tell him for me via Myspace. Smooth. She told him and of course he said something along the lines of "I'm interested in someone else". He even started avoiding me at school. Back then I was crushed but looking back on it, it really wasn't a terrible rejection. 

The hardest part about putting yourself out there is rejection. Then again, I guess how do you know if you don't try? Rejection is terrible but so is regret. I think the thought of dealing with regret is more appealing than the thought of dealing with rejection, at least in my mind. But regret lingers longer. After a while it starts to hurt, at least with rejection the pain is temporary, like the prick of a needle and after a period of time it's something you can laugh and/or reminisce about. The longer you hold on to your secret the harder it'll be to confess. Secrets get comfortable like a lazy Sunday afternoon in bed. Once they're tucked away in the comfort of your mind, it's difficult to wake it up and put it out there in real time. Trust me, I know. Would I ever confess my true feelings for someone that I'm into? I would choose not to if I could. Not because I think confessing feelings makes you vulnerable but honestly, it's just scary. I always envision my confession to go like this (This is totally fictional, by the way):

Monday evening, outside, dark blue skies, distant stars freckled across it as a cool December wind chills the air. 
Me: Hey wait, can I talk to you? Do you have time to stay for a little bit?
Pulls dark brown jacket tighter, crossing his arms.
Him: Yeah what's up?
Clears throat, and looks away for a moment. Suddenly both of our eyes meet. Starts speaking, pacing the words moderately quick.
Me: I think you're so amazing, you make laugh all the time and just being around you makes me happy. You make me think, you spend valuable time with me, you make me feel special, beautiful, and valued. Getting to know you has been the best thing that's ever happened to me, because through getting to know you, I learned about myself. You don't understand how much that means to me. *Speaking slows down, calmer tone* I never thought I would develop these feelings for you when we first became friends. I think about you all the time, you're even in my prayers and dreams. I realized I fell for you when I truly couldn't see anyone but you in a crowded room. World War III could've been going on outside and I would've been at peace because you were the only thing I could see and hear. You're never too much for me because I can't get enough of you. You're so not perfect and neither am I, but somehow I can see us both getting closer to perfection if we really came together. We're so different but I just really like you, I love spending time with you and I was hoping you felt the same about me.
Him: Uh...Yeah...That's very nice of you. I like you too, as my friend. You're like a sister to me. You're such a good friend, I don't want to ruin what we have.
Me: ...But you gave me signs. You spent time with me, you got to know me, we shared things, you're so nice to me...Buzzfeed videos and Google said those were "the signs"...
Him: I was being nice to you, I didn't realize that was a sign...I'm sorry, I was just being my normal friendly self. 
Me: Oh...Well...Have a nice life. *dies*


Truthfully, I don't like bottling up my feelings for someone. It eats away at you eventually, and when you see the person you either feel anxious to scream "I love you, please be with me!" or you try extremely hard to not let your feelings show. I'm an expert at the latter, but even if feelings aren't shown chemistry never lies and is more obvious especially to those around you. I never feel like it's the right moment to confess feelings, but is there really a perfect moment? 

I said all of this to say that I hope the love of my life is braver than I and will confess first. If not, I'm screwed.

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