November 21, 2015

Why Don't You Love Me?

Years ago, there were a few guys who I liked and the feelings were mutual, but I ruined it. This is going to be a short post, I don't want to drag this out anymore than necessary. Thanks for tuning in to Nic's super short post! Anyway, both of the aforementioned guys were extremely sweet and well... I was sour. 

I think about them both when I sit back and think about my past relationships/friendships. I often wonder how things would be different had I not been such a witch. Both situations started and ended almost the exact same way. The beginning was wonderful, interesting, and just pure bliss. Overtime, they went from being sweet compositions to disjointed improvisations. The final performance commenced with me screaming "leave me the hell alone!" just before waltzing off the stage with my baton in tow.

At the time, I didn't fully understand why I became infuriated with them. The first guy was always hanging on to my every word, the second guy would always stand so close to me, I could smell his not-so-minty-fresh breath. Those things were issues but they weren't the real issue. At that point in my life I hated myself so much I lashed out on those who tried to get close me. I figured it would be a waste, they couldn't really like me, blah, blah...I was angry that I didn't like myself enough to let my guard down to let someone else like me. It's weird and confusing yet it all makes sense. 

I think a lot of us use anger and 'lashing out' as a means to keep people at bay but it's truly the worst thing you can do to someone who cares about you, sees your beauty, and is willing to maneuver through all the treacherous channels to explore the deepest parts of you. I regret doing what I did to those guys because of my self-hate and pent up anger. I'm writing this because I think it's important for people to understand how the psyche of a person with low self-value affects everyone involved. Self-love doesn't just blossom when someone likes or loves you. Much like telling a person with depression to "just get happy and look on the bright side". It may sound encouraging but it won't cure their depression nor make them feel better. If anything it can agitate the issue and make things even more difficult.  I know, I know, you want me to quit with the 'Love thyself' cliches and anecdotes, but trust me, it's important and life changing. Oprah says so, too. 

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