May 3, 2016

Introvert Thoughts (1)

I'm naturally interested in people, but one person always seems to hold my attention more than others. At any random moment in my life, I'm into someone heavier than just a simple friendship and this time is no different. I'm still wholly ruined by the Disney Princess Syndrome. My knight in shining armor is the one who has been there all along and I've been looking for him. It's going to be so obvious when I find him because that spark will light up your heart in a peaceful yet furious way. I guess. I feel things so intensely and I've been trying to convince myself to stop caring, stop feeling. Numbness is sometimes good for the soul.

I'm in my head.

"You're in your head so much, I worry about you"

I toss around minute ideas around back and forth all day and turn them into excessive (obsessive?) thoughts. My brain is a sculptor, an artist, an illustrator. It blows shit way out of proportion by painting images and carving things out into elaborate crazy ass masterpieces. How did we get here? I'm afraid to show and tell. My brain can paint an image to make even the most heartless and stoic being fall to his knees in emotional agony. I'm not heartless nor stoic.

He picked her over me. I don't care. He was never mine, he doesn't care. The rage of my jealousy did not manifest in anger or spite. I huffed and I puffed and I cried. But he is not mine, why waste tears on such? He picked her over me. Me. Who is attentive? Who is funny? Who listens? Who entertains? I care. Me. Who is not into TV, movies or obscure musical artists? Me. I love myself but I feel like I'm not well enough. It hurts when you wonder where lies the faults that make you unwanted. When Men, women or children, it doesn't matter. But I had been building this. My brain is not negative, it's a positive place, an amusement park. A Jazzland. I get these ideas of ideals. I thought he was different, I was different. The latter just not different enough. Don't convince anyone to like you--my life motto.

I'm not like her. We don't look alike but he prefers her features. Is it possible to be confidently insecure? I don't want to be her, but I want him to be the man I painted in my dreams, my thoughts. When will someone see me before they view me? I'm not sure. Life is not about men you fancy, women you fell for, the bars you hop or thoughts that never exceed your brain. I stopped looking for my fairytale a long time ago but faith proceeds knowledge and logic.

"Well how do you know he doesn't like you?"
"He said he likes her"
"But that doesn't mean he doesn't like you...You gotta tell him"
I'm not witty, immersed in culture, fictional characters are the last things on my mind and what Ph.D? Sips from my multi-colored squirt bottle.
"Yeah, you're right. We have so much in common!"
We were both alive today. Commonality. Soul mates!

I want to express to you these artistic things in my mind but I'm not good at show and tell. You fuel my anger and I smile. I ran away into the stacks, the trees...Oh God, why did you give me this gift?

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